By Ambrose

4-26-19

JANZOW-Some men just want to watch the world burn. CUNE student Steve Stark was one of those men. The day after the highly anticipated movie “Avengers: Endgame” came out, Stark stood up in Janzow cafeteria during the most crowded time of the day and shouted, “[censored: Endgame spoilers.]” A hush fell over the entire cafeteria. “I don’t feel so good,” said one sickened student before he ran out to barf in the bathroom. “You maniac! How could you?!” yelled a poor girl wearing an “I AM GROOT” beanie. Reaper reporters contacted Marvel super-fan James Rogers to get his thoughts on the issue. “I can’t believe this happened to me,” expressed Rogers. “I went through every precaution to avoid spoilers. I skipped my classes for the last two days so I could isolate myself in my room. I stopped talking to my friends. I DELETED MY FACEBOOK. And then this despicable human comes in here and ruins it for all of us. The last eleven years of my life were leading up to watching this movie, and now it’s ruined. I don’t think I’ll ever recover.” The CUNE administration as well as the LCMS quickly issued a statement condemning the actions of Stark. “You know, this really helped me realize the power of the Gospel,” said CUNE Chaplain Ryan Matthias. “Jesus even forgives THAT sin. Wow. That’s powerful.”

In unrelated news, an angry mob formed outside of Stark’s dorm with torches and pitchforks chanting, “Time for YOUR Endgame!”

In other unrelated news, Stark’s corpse was found later pinned to the wall outside the main entrance of Janzow by a pitchfork.

Police and campus security have no clues regarding motive or suspects.

The Reaper is an independent, student-run news organization.

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By Basil

04-16-19

STEPS IN FRONT OF JANZOW; THE PLAZA OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED – Junior pre-seminary student Bradley Frye recently took a vow of silence when it came to discussing his difficult plight of having to bear the burden of taking Greek and Hebrew here. In his attempt to be more pious than his fellow students, Frye promised to refrain from “inconveniencing” other students with his rabble about dead languages. “This is definitely a great thing for my faith life. It gives me the opportunity to talk about something other than Greek, and it gives those around me the chance to stop yelling at me to shut up,” Frye commented in a recent interview with reporters. “So many people have asked me about why I’ve been so quiet lately, and I get to tell them all about what I gave up for Lent. I love talking about how I can’t talk about Greek and Hebrew.”

Problems arose, however, when yesterday a science major venting about a difficult project mentioned to Frye that she believed Nuclear and Particle Physics was the toughest class on campus that she had ever taken. Not wanting to break his sacred silence but wanting so badly to correct this science major on her ignorant mistake, he simply burst into flame in the middle of the sidewalk from the intense pressure. “He just stopped walking and started shaking profusely” said the science major who stated the fatal comment. “His face turned red and then BAM! Up in flames. He burned long and hot. I guess that’s what they call Greek fire.”

At the time of reporting, Buildings and Grounds had yet to remove the char marks from the sidewalk.

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By Ambrose

4-15-19

WALZ ARENA/HUMAN PERFORMANCE CENTER- The Concordia University Nebraska women’s basketball team has set a new standard for all CUNE sports teams with their recent national championship. Anything less than a national title for any team is making fans quote Will Turner from Pirates of the Caribbean by saying: “That’s not good enough!”

This new winning mentality has led the board of regents and the CUNE athletic director to make the decision to terminate all sports teams except women’s basketball. “Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit from these teams, and I find none. Cut their funding. Why should they use up the donor money?” the head athletic director told reporters. In response, the head coaches from each team collectively pleaded in unison regarding their teams, “Sir, let them alone this year also. If they should bear fruit next year; well and good. If not you can cut their funding.”

Especially angry was the head track and field coach, who reminded the AD of the track team’s recent national championships. To this, the AD replied, “Get that weak sauce out of my kitchen.” He then summoned the women’s basketball team, and each player proceeded to 360 dunk on the head track coach one after another while Bruiser, the school mascot, incessantly dabbed on him. The AD concluded by saying, “Yeah, so, uh, get rekt lol.”

There may still be time for the coaches to persuade the AD not to terminate every team besides women’s basketball, but his mind seems to be made up. However, one thing is certain if these teams are dissolved next year: intramurals are going to be epic.

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By Ambrose

4-23-19

WELLER-Dr. Blanco’s Tuesday morning Greek class was in for quite a surprise when their professor walked in the door. Very shortly after he turned to face the class, multiple students noticed that Blanco’s iconic moustache had vanished from his face. “I never thought I would see the day,” stated sophomore pre-seminary student Ian Wolfhaven. “There could be a million things going on in my life. I could be having my ups and downs. But I used to be able to know that two things would be constant in my life: the fact that Jesus lives and he always will, and that Dr. Blanco’s upper lip would never be bare.”

Blanco himself expressed to reporters in an interview that after the Easter morning sunrise service at St. John’s on Sunday, his moustache was separated from him by a chariot of fire and taken up into heaven in a whirlwind. Onlookers noted that Blanco was heard saying, “My moustache! My moustache! The chariots of Israel and its horsemen!” Having torn his clothes in two, Dr. Blanco returned home to write red marks on more papers.

The Greek class still had a quiz.

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By Polycarp

April 15, 2019
RUTH-A DORM-Several students at Concordia University received some new catechesis at the hands of their campus chaplain Ryan Matthias when he finally gave up on his patient pleading in chapel and decided to actually enforce the 11^th commandment, “Thou shalt go outside as much as possible.” After gathering an inquisition party of his most trusted hammock-hangers, Pastor Matthias decided to appoint himself as God’s hammer to crush the indwellers. “I had heard of a game called Fortnite that people were playing this afternoon and got excited thinking it involved human interaction and Vitamin D,” the chaplain said when interviewed. “When I learned it was a video game I just snapped.” Matthias then promised to “punish to the third and fourth generation of those who stay inside when it’s beautiful out.”

Local freshmen boys Donavon Schmidt and Trae Fletcher were shocked when the called and ordained servant of Christ crashed through the ceiling of their 10 square foot dorm room and karate chopped their Xbox One cleanly in half. “No one could have predicted this, other than everyone who heard him talk about it every day in chapel,” said Trae as he attempted to reconstruct his console with SLO approved command strips. When asked what the University could expect from the newly formed 11^th Commandment Inquisition, Pastor Matthias replied, “No one expects the 11^th Commandment Inquisition!” Matthias may have gone too far with his tactics which ended up costing the school roughly $1.4 million in repairs. However, Matthias was ultimately pardoned by the higher-ups because they found that there is nothing wrong with wanting people to go outside during the two weeks in Nebraska when the weather is nice.

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