by: Carl Corngrower, et al.

CONCORDIA THRONE ROOM – The homecoming court was recently announced and it is time for students to vote for their King and Queen! But how do you know who to vote for? The writers here at the Reaper have compiled a list of pros and cons for each candidate, so that students may be better informed on who they are voting for.

Trent Bruntz

Pro: Lives on a farm. Thank you Farmer

Con: Never developed object permanence

Garret Drews

Pro: Can sing really high

Con: The volume of his laugh has made 4 people permanently deaf 

Josh Marlatt

Pro: Is pre-sem and single

Con: Shaved his mustache

Mario Ybarra

Pro: Is a better wrestler than you

Con: Is a better wrestler than you

David Ehrke

Pro: Last name rhymes with turkey

Con: Might Will steal your girl

Abi DeLoach

Pro: Is a cool Twitch streamer

Con: Is a twitch streamer

Rachel Battershell

Pro: Has experience on homecoming court

Con: Rides her scooter because she never actually learned how to walk

Keri Bauer

Pro: Owns horses

Con: Is afraid of horse

Cecilia Minchow

Pro: We think she’s Catholic?

Con: Has never gotten the pope to come bless Concordia

Josie Puelz

Pro: Can pole vault or something?

Con: Can bench more than me

by Carl Corngrower, 8/8/21

CAMPUS DRAMA! – There has been a debate raging for a while now around the country. We are sure that you have heard about it. It is a debate about what is safe to put in your body or what to wear on your body. We here at the Reaper decided it is time we tackled this issue now that it has reared its ugly head on campus. That’s right, today we tackle the Lax vs. Anti-Lax debate. 

Last year, constipation cases swept through the country, clogging up thousands of bowel tracts. Each college had its struggles with this plight, and Concordia was no different. Concordia, however, was able to stay open for the entire year. That is an accomplishment not many schools can boast about. 

Although an accomplishment, Concordia did struggle at times. There were periods last year where the school ran out of toilet space and SLO was looking to bring port-a-pots on campus for student use. Luckily, it never came to that. On top of lack of bathroom spaces, many students struggled with being isolated for so long in their bathrooms.

“It just felt like it would never end,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous. “I was sitting there for days, pushing and pushing.”

Things started to look up after those brown days. CUNE launched a laxative initiative for students so they could open up a little bit.

Some were open to the idea, and were runny to it. Samuel Scheissen, a sixth year senior said, “After being locked in my bathroom for two weeks pushing to no avail, I was excited when the campus health department started offering free laxativations to students. We were only supposed to sign up for one slot, but I signed up for two. Better safe than sorry, ya know?”

One would assume that with how much Concordians struggled with constipation last year, that many students would be supportive of a laxative initiative on campus. However, the campus population has yet to hit 100% laxitivation status due to a large sect of students that do not believe in laxatives. 

Chris Christopherson, an avid Anti-Laxxer said, “I just don’t want that in my body. It hasn’t been tested enough. What if I start going and just never stop? I get food from Dog House every day, can you imagine what that would be like?”

A pro-lax student said, “I am just sick and tired of those anti-laxxers. If you look at the numbers, the people who are taking up bathroom space are the un-laxxed. There are some people who just need to pee or go take a cute bathroom pic that can’t because there just isn’t space. The stalls are filling up fast, but the pots are not.”

Some students just don’t really care that much. Ashley Jimmy-Johnson is one of those students.

“I just don’t really see the issue. I got laxxed because I just don’t want to deal with sitting on the toilet for that long. If I really need to go and the stalls are full, I usually just find somewhere else to go. The outdoor chapel has been my go-to lately.”

Concordia Cares has taken steps to accommodate both sides to this divisive issue. For example, chapel seating has been separated into two sections. Anti-lax students sit toward the front while laxxed students sit toward the back, near the restrooms. Just in case.

Even though Concordia has done its best to keep constipation cases low, the clogging has been tearing campus apart for the first few weeks of the semester, with cases peaking higher than they ever did last year. The bathroom levels are about to reach 5% of students in toilets which will trigger the Brown Protocols. Brown Protocols will bring back diaper mandates. As you can imagine, students are yet again divided on the issue. 

One anonymous student said, “I literally cannot. I’ve done my research. Wearing a diaper is bad for your bladder! If your bladder can’t get fresh air, it will shrivel up or something like that.” 

Another had this to say, “I was already diaping up before it was required. At this point, I might double diaper just to be safe. I just couldn’t forgive myself if something slipped out on someone. #lovethyneighbor.”

Wow. Powerful stuff from both sides. We are glad to cover this issue. There is literally nothing more important in the world for the Reaper, or any news source for that matter, to cover at this time. 

Be on the lookout for our next story titled, “Canva use Canva too much?! Sower employees Pic Collage a side.”

The Reaper is an independent, student run “news” organization.

by: Papias, a man of old time, et al. 3/31/21

PHILIP 1ST – After spending some time alone in the prairie behind the outdoor chapel, RA Gideon Smith came to the realization that he had been neglecting the spiritual life of his residents. So, in an attempt to “soften his residents’ hardened hearts,” as he put it, he has been recreating what Moses did to soften the Egyptians’ hearts in the Bible (since that turned out so well). After some unsuccessful attempts by releasing a bunch of frogs and putting red food coloring in the toilets, he decided he needed to take it to the next level.

Upon striking a deal with a Sewardian shepherd, Gideon purchased a lamb from the shepherd using some of the allotted hall event funding from the Student Life Office, and got to work. We will spare you the details that our investigative team found in Philip basement.

Residents of Philip 1st woke up the next morning, and were pleasantly surprised about the lamb’s blood over their doors. They felt as if their hearts were softened.

The Student Life Office felt differently, as all of the doors in Philip 1st now need to be replaced.

SLO issued the following statement:

“We are aware of the situation and are handling it. If it’s anything like last time, the blood stains should come out in a couple of years if we don’t replace the doors.”

CUNE Buildings and Grounds has issued the following statement:

“Residents of Philip 1st have clearly shown that they are not capable of being able to keep animal blood off of their door frames, so we are removing their doors for the foreseeable future until they earn them back.”

Later this week, Philip 1st is planning on moving to the other side of Plum Creek, but some residents have already started grumbling about the potential lack of food. 

Stay tuned for updates!

The Reaper is an independent, student run “news” organization.

by Carl Corngrower, 2/13/2021

HOLTHUS FAMILY PLAZA – Many are aware of the drastically low temperatures that have been plaguing campus this week. Typically in this situation, college students would not know where to turn for weather advisory information. However, thanks to routine emails from the Student Life Office, students have been able to fight off the chill. Local Sewardians have been flabbergasted at the preparedness of the student body.

One citizen was quoted as saying, “I was shocked to see Concordia students so prepared for the situation.”

Another Seward citizen who was shoveling his walkway in his shorts gave his testimony. “I used to wear shorts in all weather, but because of the due diligence I have seen from mere college students, I have decided to change my ways.”

Natheless, one fateful student did not get the memo. 

“I guess I just forgot to check my email.”

Bill Wilson thought it was just another normal Winter day. So BIll put on his shorts like always and headed to class. But when he walked outside, he was chilled to the bone. Unprepared, he hiked off to class with exposed, bare skin, not avoiding walking on ice or getting wet, or carefully watching for signs of cold-weather health problems, like hypothermia and frostbite.

“As I was walking to class, I pulled up my weather app and saw how cold it was, but I just didn’t know how to handle the weather or where I could turn to for more information. If only I would have checked my email.”

As he trudged on, Bill felt his inner temperature dropping to 95 degrees, so he began to run to the nearest building, but he became sweaty and too tired. 

“How was I supposed to know what to do? I really wish they would send these kinds of things out on CUNE alert. They’re really putting the safety of students like me at risk.”

Thankfully, a student who had read the email saw Bill and noticed he was shivering, exhausted or feeling very tired, confused, had fumbling hands, some memory loss, slurred speech, and drowsiness. The student quickly ran to his aid.

Isaac Jacob, the heroic student, told Reaper reporters, “I saw Bill and I knew I had to do something. So I quickly got to him, but not too quickly as I would’ve gotten sweaty, and I read the email to him so he would know how to handle cold weather in the future. I’d like to think he would have done the same for me”

After his harrowing experience, Chilly Billy Wilson now reads his email first thing in the morning to check for updates from SLO on how to dress properly.

The Reaper is an independent, student-run “news” organization.

Papias, a man of old time

29 October 2020

Last week the SLO put on a unique and special event called “Explode Your Bible.” The attendance at the event was ample, around 50 students. The event was quaint, with the Student Life Office coordinator handing out these neat little page marking devices that help readers find specific passages of the Bible that pertain to different subjects with much more ease.

We here at the Reaper got interested in the name of this event (since it is quite shocking), and decided to look back through our records to see if there was an explanation for why it is named how it is. In looking, we came across this article from 50 years ago. Needless to say, a lot has changed since then.

Lutherans Exploding Bibles (1970)

Irenaeus

The SLO hosted a bombastic event last night christened “Explode Your Bibles.” The SLO provided materials for the event, namely: matches, gunpowder, nitroglycerine, TNT, fuses, blasting caps, capacitating discharge blasting machines, and other essentials used at explosion events. And to make it especially creative, the SLO teamed up with the SAC to provide food coloring to put into the explosives to “make it a little fun,” as SAC head coordinator Philly Cranz put it. 

At first, it seems as if there is no precedent for Concordia, a Lutheran institution, to sanction the blowing up of Bibles, but as it turns out, it is a long-held tradition in the church. Crazy, right? Apparently, in an attempt to reenact Jesus’s overturning of the money-changing tables in the temple, some of the second-century church fathers took some of their unused scrolls or overly abused scrolls of the Bible and burned them. The purpose was to show that we are not worthy of God’s word, and if we don’t use it or take care of it, we ought to recognize that God wouldn’t have had to given the word at all. Martin Luther was the first one to come up with the idea of using explosives on the Bibles, and he gave the added emphasis on rebirth with it. In fact, before Luther locked himself in Wartburg castle for a year to translate the Bible into German, he had the largest Bible explosion on record up to that point, as the Medieval Catholics did away with the practice at large. Luther’s Bible explosion was near the end of 1520, so the SLO’s event was actually the 450th Anniversary of Luther’s event.

In the aftermath of the SLO’s event, there has been some backlash and misconceptions from the students, but at large it seems as if many achieved some spiritual growth.

One disgruntled student wearing a quarter zip said: “Actually, I blow up a stack of Bibles every year, but now that Concordia is trying to make it a “cool event” to do, I think the spirit of it has been destroyed.”

Another student with a “Jesus is Disco Rad” shirt stated: “I was talking to a friend who wanted to go to the event, but he didn’t have a Bible. So, in the Christian attitude of giving, I let him use mine.”

A student who had just thrown away his fedora said: “I was an atheist before I heard about this practice. If it’s Christian to blow up Bibles, count me in! I’ve been wanting to do this since my middle school biology class taught me about evolution. Since then, I thought God wasn’t real or just didn’t care, but now I know that God is willing to meet me where I’m at.” 
To keep in line with the whole 450th anniversary of Luther things every year, the SLO is planning on hosting an event next year at this time where students are expected to translate the entire Bible from Hebrew and Greek into English, as Luther did the bulk of his translating in 1521. A fair number of students have already given their intent to do this. One student wearing chacos said: “I just love being built up by this faith-driven community, you know? It’s hard to find a place so dedicated to the Word of God that people are willing to blow it up for Jesus. I could feel the rousing of the Spirit when we set off some napalm on that stack of still unopened RSV’s. I’m committed.” Because of this, enrollment in Greek and Hebrew classes is expected to be so large that they will be held in the relatively new Weller Chapel.

The Reaper is an independent, student run “news” organization.

By: Ursus Maritimus et al. 10/07/20

As if there wasn’t enough excitement on campus caused by the game “Assassins,” with students running around campus in between classes, stabbing each other with spoons, throwing socks, and “poisoning” each other, it appears other things have been afoot. Organizers of the game felt that the goal and rules of the game were quite clear. Each participant was assigned a target to “assassinate” by touching them with a spoon, hitting them with a sock, or putting a “poison” note under their target’s plate/cup. With some designated safe places and other small notes, that’s the idea of the game. But for one student it didn’t seem that clear….

Freshman Joseph Javier McGee, a FORMER participant in the game, is currently under investigation by SLO for threats against other students, theft of socks, and a laundry list of other offenses. It was discovered that he had been stockpiling socks in his dorm room to crush his targets… physically. After the stench of feet became unbearable in his hall, his RA pinpointed the smell was coming from his room. To the RA’s horror, he found hundreds, if not thousands of stinking, smelly, stolen socks piled up, waist deep in his resident’s room. Socks of all shapes, sizes, and colors could be found, and it is believed that Joseph had been stealing them from the laundry rooms for quite some time. People have been blaming the dryers for swallowing up their socks, but this reality is much more horrifying. After SLO began cleaning out the socks they made a frightening discovery of a carving on the wall depicting Joseph’s plan. It showed a carefully carved picture of Weller Tower and the route he would take to climb to the top. Once at the top, the plan showed that Joseph would wait till his target walked out of chapel, at which point Joseph would hurl bag after bag after bag of socks at his target, crushing him under the weight of the foot coverings. Sources have estimated the 3” x 3” carving will cost him over $500 dollars in check out fees.

It is unsure at this time what will happen to Joseph. But if you are missing socks please head to SLO to retrieve them, and make sure to plug your nose! The Reaper will post updates to this story here. Stay tuned and stay safe out there!

Joseph has not been released to make a statement as of Thursday afternoon.

UPDATE 10/10/20: An even more recent development has revealed that Joseph is the cause for the sudden lack of spoons in the Doghouse and Janzow. Upon searching his car, SLO investigators discovered Joseph had over 45 lbs. of spoons stashed in his trunk. Given that the spoons went missing 10 days ago, Joseph must have stolen over 1000 spoons a day for that period of 10 days. When something like this happens, Chartwells will typically hose the spoons off and put them back out for use. However, due to Covid protocol, they have more strict guidelines which involve burning impure dining ware. It is still unsure how much of an impact this will have on next year’s tuition costs, but it probably won’t be good. 

UPDATE 10/12/20: SLO has now found a hole behind a kitten “Hang in There” poster in Joseph’s dorm room. This explains why many spoons recovered were dulled down to the handle. Apparently he didn’t understand that dorms were safe zones and was planning to escape if his assassin came to get him in his dorm. The 5”x5” is estimated to cost him $4,000,000 in check out damages.

On an unrelated note, SAC has cancelled their plans to show The Shawshank Redemption outside on October 25.

Stay safe out there!

The Reaper is an independent, student run “news” organization.

By Carl Corngrower

BULLDOG STADIUM – The Reaper takes pride in writing light-hearted and fun articles about CUNE life, but recent events have forced us to take a more serious tone.

Earlier today, Timothy Oberdieck was crowned as the 2020 CUNE Homecoming King, however, an anonymous tip was sent to the Reaper that Tim has an overdue library fine that makes him ineligible to receive this honor.

We reached out to Tim on his Facebook which hasn’t been active since 2018, but we received no response, which is pretty much an admission of guilt.

The math experts at the Reaper have created a library fine calculator so those of you reading this can see if you have paid more fines than Tim.

1. Have you ever paid a library fine?
   1. If you answered yes, you’ve paid more fines than Tim has in the last ten years.
   2. If you answered no, you have paid the same amount of fines as Tim has in the past ten years.

Homecoming kings and queens from years past have had no issue with releasing their library financial records, and this should not change.

We reached out to former King Joseph Greenmeyer, who said, “I worked at Link Library, and there has always been a close relationship between the library and the homecoming royalty of years past. The fact this is even an issue is heartbreaking to me.”

The Reaper leads the charge in calling for Tim to release his library financial record.  

The people deserve to know.

The Reaper is an independent, student run “news” organization.

Papias, a man of old time

A GARAGE– With more limited options available for homecoming events due to the Coronavirus Disease Pandemic of the last year of the second decade of the twenty-first century and the first year of the third decade of the twenty-first century, the SAC has had the opportunity to let their creative minds flow. This has resulted in a new event that many students are peeing their pants in anticipation for: Ride with Russ.

For those of you wondering what that is, Russ is Interim President Sommerfeld’s biker name. This event will feature “Russ” on his custom-built “Purging Fire” chopper. Commenting on the bike “Russ” says, “When I built this beast I wanted it to sound like the devil has been loosed from his chains like it says in Revelation… When they hear me rolling, I want people to fear so much that it is the day of judgment that they fall prostrate and repent of their sins. Then I like to give a friendly hello and ask how their semester is going. Law and Gospel, you know?”

During the virus “Russ” rode across the country to let all of his biker gang friends know about the special event SAC is putting on. 

If the skies of Seward look smokey and it sounds like the Roman Legion in full armour is marching past your dorm Saturday morning, it is probably just the bikers going on their 3.1 mile ride around Seward. 

Biker analysts across the nation are thinking that if this becomes an annual event, Ride with Russ could threaten Sturgis as the largest biker rally in the world. Anonymous sources say that the South Dakotan gov’t is already coming up with plans to mitigate the loss of around half a million dollars per year.

Any form of motorized bike is welcome– whether it be a crotch-rocket, mo-ped, e-bike, or motorized scooter– just try to get out there to participate in the activity. If you forgot your motorized bike, there will be several socially distanced sidecars available.

“Vroom Vroom” – Russ

The event starts at 9 am.

In other news pertaining to the shifting of homecoming events:

Pre-Semers are sad that they won’t have a chance to flex their Greek and Hebrew language skills in a socially acceptable way by writing out people’s names for them at their booth. One said, “The Bible says we will all experience spiritual suffering, but I just didn’t know it would be so tough. I have a hard enough time making it a whole year without doing it, now I have to go two years! μή γένοιτο!*”…. Whatever that means *rolls eyes*

The Reaper is an independent, student-run “news” organization.

Corngrower, Carl, et. al.

CONCORDIA THRONE ROOM– The homecoming court was recently announced and it is time for students to vote for their King and Queen! But how do you know who to vote for? The writers here at the Reaper have compiled a list of pros and cons for each candidate, so that students may be better informed on who they are voting for.

Avery Kesar

Pro – He’s tall, but not TOO tall

Con – He exclusively only wears clothes from his mother’s closet

Drew Boggs

Pro – 

Con – He likes to drink OJ after brushing his teeth. Who does that?

Tim Oberdieck

Pro – He doesn’t have a bike page on Instagram.

Con- We once saw him not wearing jorts on a Saturday

Jacob Garrison

Pro – He’s Pre Sem

Con – He’s Pre-Sem but he’s not single. (Sorry PD’s)

Noah Freeman

Pro – He plays the piano 

Con – All his flannels look the same

Jacee Pfeifer

Pro – She has a cute dog

Con -She thinks spearmint gum is “spicy”

Anna Baack

Pro – She is a descendant of the famous composer, Johann Sebastian Baack

Con – She is only a fan of Mozart’s music.

Shanda Fujan

Pro – Plants?

Con – Plants.

Rachel Battershell

Pro – She runs fast

Con – She takes PPE out of the Science lab regularly 

Micky Twito

Pro – She is named after Micky Mouse

Con – She gives each letter a kiss before delivering it into someone’s mailbox

Do you know anything else about the candidates? Good for you. Comment what we missed.

The Reaper is an independent, student-run “news” organization.

9-14-20

By Ursus Maritimus 

Following the announcement on Friday from Interim Supreme Leader Sommerfeld, the university has extended the mask wearing mandate. This continuation has created quite the celebration amongst students suffering from RBF (Resting Bitter Face). 

We interviewed Betty “Bitter Face” Benson who’s a part of the Concordia University Nebraska Students Who Suffer From Resting Bitter Face Support Group also known as CUNSWSFRBFSG and gathered her thoughts on the matter: “Well, I am ecstatic that the mandate has continued. Wearing a mask for me has never been an issue. I love not having to answer questions like “Why are you so bitter?” or “What’s wrong?” because no one knows what my facial expressions are. I can even make more friends now because people aren’t scared of me. I can walk around in freedom without having to worry about how bitter I look! I can mask my emotions (quite literally) and wear bright colors on my masks to cover up my bitter face.”

Although many among CUNSWSFRBFSG are delighted by the news of the continuation of the mask mandate, some members are disappointed. We spoke with Betty’s brother, Ben “Bitter Eye” Benson, and gathered his thoughts. “I’m kind of disappointed by the continuation of the mandate. I use my bitter face to avoid people and scare them off so I don’t have to talk to anyone. Now with the masks more people try to talk with me. Recently, things have gotten better since my new politically polarizing masks came in. I’ve also been showering less, and I developed a cough. It seems to have done the trick!”

The Reaper is an independent, student-run “news” organization.