9-14-20

By Ursus Maritimus 

Following the announcement on Friday from Interim Supreme Leader Sommerfeld, the university has extended the mask wearing mandate. This continuation has created quite the celebration amongst students suffering from RBF (Resting Bitter Face). 

We interviewed Betty “Bitter Face” Benson who’s a part of the Concordia University Nebraska Students Who Suffer From Resting Bitter Face Support Group also known as CUNSWSFRBFSG and gathered her thoughts on the matter: “Well, I am ecstatic that the mandate has continued. Wearing a mask for me has never been an issue. I love not having to answer questions like “Why are you so bitter?” or “What’s wrong?” because no one knows what my facial expressions are. I can even make more friends now because people aren’t scared of me. I can walk around in freedom without having to worry about how bitter I look! I can mask my emotions (quite literally) and wear bright colors on my masks to cover up my bitter face.”

Although many among CUNSWSFRBFSG are delighted by the news of the continuation of the mask mandate, some members are disappointed. We spoke with Betty’s brother, Ben “Bitter Eye” Benson, and gathered his thoughts. “I’m kind of disappointed by the continuation of the mandate. I use my bitter face to avoid people and scare them off so I don’t have to talk to anyone. Now with the masks more people try to talk with me. Recently, things have gotten better since my new politically polarizing masks came in. I’ve also been showering less, and I developed a cough. It seems to have done the trick!”

The Reaper is an independent, student-run “news” organization.