2-14-20

By Basil

WELLER HALL — It has been a lonely winter for CUNE since President Friedrich left in early January to head north to the warm friendly people of Minnesota. They had been together for nearly 30 years, when all of a sudden, new and exciting adventures enticed Friedrich away, leaving CUNE to recover amidst the snow and dead corn stalks. CUNE rebounded very quickly and began going steady with Interim President Sommerfeld, but he is just that: an interim. And so, it may come as no surprise to some, that this time of the year is particularly hard for those who have recently endured separations. So hard, in fact, that the CUNE Presidential Call Committee decided that they needed to call an emergency Valentine’s Day meeting to attempt to play the field and relieve their crushing loneliness. However, after sending several unsuccessful “what’s up” text messages to various available candidates, it seems that the Valentine’s Day blues got to the Call Committee, who reportedly “accidentally” butt-dialed Brian Friedrich.

Ear-witnesses to the call recount the slightly odd behaviors of the Call Committee and the desperate tinge in their voice as they repeatedly picked up the phone, put it back down, picked it up again, chugged a whole pot of 10:31 coffee, and then gingerly tapped the screen before breathing deeply, preparing for the call. Witnesses only heard one side of the conversation, but the transcriptions read as follows:

“Brian! Hey! I’m sorry I totally didn’t mean to call you. My phone was just in my pocket and…you know…whoops! It’s such a funny thing! I barely even think about you anymore. But now that I have you…”

“Oh yeah things have been [glances down at shoes] fine. It’s a little cold now that you’re go-, I mean, now that I…nevermind”

“Oh you’re so right we are so much better apart and I don’t think you need to come back here……..unless…”

The call ended smoothly as any conversation with President Friedrich does and the Call Committee reportedly stated aloud “I think that went pretty well!” through the tears, before marching off to get a hug and a calming word from the serene President Sommerfeld. No word yet on how Friedrich or Concordia St. Paul feel about this peculiar interaction, though CSP has every right to be jealous. 

In other news, 10:31 is offering a free hug with every Forever Alone Latte.

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By: Ursus Maurtimus

February 3, 2020

JTOP-As our society has been much more concerned about our environment, its health, and the turtles. Your local campus coffee shop 10:31 has stepped up to the plate to combat the environmental injustice of plastic and trash in our oceans that is killing the turtles and other wildlife by offering metal straws and reusable mugs. But reusable straws and mugs aren’t enough. The turtles demand more. 

The management of 10:31 has spent some serious time in consideration on how they can increase their efforts to combat this tragedy. In a recent interview with manager T.P. Tuesday he shared his proposal which he hopes to be the ultimate solution to the issue.

“We as a coffee shop feel responsible to do our part in cutting down on our waste and impact on the turtles. We began a few months ago studying animals and how they eat to come up with a way to offer our drinks that would have less of an impact on the environment. We are happy to announce that we have figured it out! We will now be offering drinks with the traditional cup or our new eco-friendly-environmental- non gmo-biodegradable- vegetarian- free range- zero greenhouse gas option: Penguin style! Baristas have begun training to make the drinks in their mouths, then gently and hygienically spitting the drink into the customers mouth similar to the way a Penguin feeds her babies. By implementing this new offering, we will drastically cut back our waste. Drinks will now be enjoyed by our customers faster as they are forced to swallow their whole drink before they can breathe again. This will also cut down on drink making time as it is more convenient for the barista to pour all the ingredients and espresso directly into their mouth than having to carry around a cup. We recognize that this is revolutionary, but we hope each and every one of our loyal customers is as excited as we are about this and eager to try! We hope to roll this out in the near future! Save the turtles! Order Penguin style!”

The CUNE community has shown support for 10:31 and their efforts to save the turtles with the new offering, Penguin style. However, there have been some criticisms and concerns. One student feels like the bleach mouth rinse in between drinks won’t be enough to kill germs effectively in the baristas mouth especially with flu season upon us. Others are wondering if there will be price adjustments for the drinks as the average drink capacity for a baristas mouth is only a meager 3.2oz which is a quarter of the size of the smallest size offered currently.

There have also been talks of Janzow and the Doghouse adopting the Penguin style for all beverages, but management has faced some push back by the employees who have cited their dentures falling out as a concern.

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by Basil

January 21, 2019

JTOP — Your favorite coffee spot on campus is getting festive! Christmas is over, you say? That is true, but Epiphany is still going. Epiphany is a time that we Christians take to remember the time 2,000 years ago when wise men from the East followed a shining star to Jesus while bringing choice gifts of glittering gold, fragrant frankincense, and myrrh. In the modern age, we celebrate Epiphany in the church to focus on the true light which we follow to this day, namely Jesus. To get us pumped up for the church holiday season, 10:31 is serving coffee with a pump of something really special: myrrh!

For a few weeks only, the pungent oil mainly used for home remedies and incense fanatics will now be an option to mix into your regular drink order. “For only an extra 50 cents” said a 10:31 manager “students will have the opportunity to really understand the spirit of Epiphany. We figured if it was good enough for Jesus, it will be good enough for us too. We are even offering it in our brand new Ad-venti size so everyone can get a healthy dose of Epiphany cheer.” 

Reception to the new option was mixed, as it replaced the more traditional peppermint flavor add-in and also tasted terrible. However, students are warming up to the opportunity to take their coffee like Jesus did. 10:31 is considering more Epiphany options for the future, such as Frankincense smoothies and gold travel mugs costing $24,000.

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By Ambrose

10-29-19

SEWARD POLICE STATION- Reaper journalists caught an exclusive interview with Lenny Davis, the CUNE student that was arrested today for running around the quad in his underwear in broad daylight.

Davis said that he decided to strip down to his Spiderman underwear and run around the Naked Man statue in the quad immediately after chapel to argue that if we’re going to accept such behavior when it is contained in the official “Naked Man Run,” we must therefore accept such behavior at all times.

Lenny’s fellow students, the CUNE faculty, campus security, and the Seward Police Department were not very impressed with his “social experiment.”

“It really just shows the mob mentality here on campus,” said Davis. “Everyone thinks: ‘Oh, if a bunch of people are doing it, I guess it’s okay!’ That’s called an ad populum fallacy. I learned about that in Concepts in Philosophy.”

Davis closed his interview with an exhortation to the students and faculty of CUNE: “You people need to really THINK and not just accept something because someone told you it’s true. You’re all in Plato’s cave, and I’m the one who escaped and went back down to tell you all about the outside reality, but you PUT ME IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU ARE IGNORANT and don’t want to know the TRUTH. I learned about Plato’s cave in Concepts in Philosophy.”

Davis faces charges of public indecency, and being…well…honestly…kinda annoying.

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10-6-19

Basil

BOARD OF REGENTS MEETING—In this time of transition for Concordia University, Nebraska, many students are anxiously awaiting the news of who will be called to be the next president following in Friedrich’s footsteps. The Board of Regents and the Call Committee are still discussing the options and trying to find the right fit. To alleviate the pressure from those making the decision, we here at The Reaper drew up some stellar suggestions for who could take over. Fear no more students! Here is a list of the 10 best candidates to step into the office of the presidency. 

1. A Clone of Brian Friedrich– Who better to take over for Brian Friedrich than Brian Friedrich? With a clone of our beloved president in power, it will be as if Friedrich never left and the University will continue just as it did before. While the cloning of a human being hasn’t technically been done before, the advanced technology and bright students in the brand new Dunklau Center should be able to overcome this challenge no problem.
2. Ryan Friedrice– A last-minute addition to the list, this man looks suspiciously like President Brian Friedrich in a long wig and mustache. No one is quite sure where he came from, but he has certainly impressed people with his ambitious plans to grow Concordia and keep it on the right track. The downside? He might actually just be a homeless man bearing a striking resemblance to the President.
3. Resurrected Martin Luther– What better person to lead a Lutheran university than the O.G. Lutheran himself: Martin Luther. With his sound theology, bombastic preaching, old-age wisdom, and beer-brewing ability, Luther certainly has potential to lead Concordia University to great things. The culture adjustment for the long-dead theologian would be difficult, but the university’s history department should be able to help with that. If the student body participates in a concerted prayer effort, we believe that God may smile on us and bring back Luther.
4. Gandalf, but Lutheran– Gandalf once led a brave band of people on a journey to destroy evil in the world. We believe he could absolutely do it again and lead the university staff in an effort to destroy evil through solid Lutheran education rather than wars against Sauron and his orc army. Bonus points: he has a sweet beard.
5. Russ Sommerfeld– Professor Sommerfeld was already named acting president of the university in the transition period, but why not have him stay? He is already familiar with the student body, he is an excellent teacher, and he is basically everyone’s campus grandfather. He wouldn’t even have to be elected. He could just consolidate dictatorial powers like Julius Caesar and everyone would probably be okay with it. Et tu, Russell?
6. A Collective of the Proletariat Students– Why should the students need anyone to lead them? Let the students rule the students. Rise up and take the power for ourselves! Topple the System! Smash the patriarchy! The only drawback many foresee is the controversial grade redistribution policy that has swept through the revolution. Jury is still out on how it will work since it has never worked before, but it’s probably just never been tried in the right way.
7. An Actual Bulldog– Nothing encapsulates the spirit of what it means to be a Bulldog better than a living, purebred, best-in-show bulldog. A city in California elected a dog as mayor once, why can’t a dog be a university president, too? Major benefits include being adorable and easy going. Janitorial staff protested this choice because of the drooling.
8. Jallah Bolay– Our very own student body president could be an ideal choice to take over. He already has the title of President, all he would need is a few extra duties. Just like President Friedrich, Jallah already knows almost everyone on campus and regularly attends many university events. He is also jacked.
9. The Plaza Fountain– The trusty water feature that everyone knows and loves in front of Janzow could also be a nice candidate choice. In true servant-leader fashion, it regularly washes the feet of the student body, just like Jesus did. Unfortunately, its office would be closed from October to late March due to cold temperatures.
10. The Naked Man Statue– Nearly every student at some point or another has taken a walk through the quad and sat down with the Naked Man, perhaps even giving him a high-five. He has been standing there watching students faithfully for many years, often donning spirited outfits to support the various activities of the school. He is already the focus of a prominent annual event, professes a simple Christian truth, and has established himself to be very… open with the students. 

Who do you think should be the new president? Let us know!

In all seriousness, please pray for the Board of Regents as they make their decision and for God to guide a faithful man into the office of the President.

By Ambrose

7-29-19

Students and faculty were shocked to learn the news of beloved President Friedrich’s departure. He will be moving on to serve as the president of Concordia University St. Paul. 

When asked if he had thoughts on the close of this chapter of his life, he responded, “It may be the close of my time at CUNE, but this is really only the beginning. The beginning of something new; something beautiful. Today brings me another step closure to my NEW CONCORDIA EMPIRE. I will bring PEACE, FREEDOM, JUSTICE, and SECURITY to my new empire.”

Rev. Dr. David Coe, who was in the vicinity, replied: “Your new empire?”

Friedrich replied: “Don’t make me kill you.”

Coe answered: “President Friedrich, my allegiance is to Concordia University! Nebraska!”

Friedrich responded: “If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.”

Tensions are very high in the Concordia University system after this news. Everyone involved will have to choose between the growing Concordia Empire, and former way of life. 

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06- 5- 19

Basil

SCIENCE HALL—In a welcome surprise announcement from the science department, Mr. Dr. Jurchen announced that he was officially certified on Sound Cloud and dropped a mixtape to commemorate the new move to the Dunklau Center. The idea was first brought to his attention by a student who composed a beat to play over his fast-paced, lyrically smooth banter from an excited rant in Organic Chemistry. He immediately saw the potential to express his love for chemistry, the Bible, quantum physics, thermodynamics and any other subject he desired through catchy rhymes and fresh beats. Once Jurchen was done grading finals for the semester, he immediately headed to the recording studio to spit some fire. His first album features tracks such as “Get Dunk(lau)ed On,” “Raps Like a Centrifuge,” “The Real Organic Gangster,” “Spock’s Spectrometer,” and “The Aaronic Benediction.”

The professor, now going by the stage name Dr. Jre “The Avogadbro,” was even more excited to see so many of America’s youths learning about the wonders of chemistry, Old Testament hermeneutics, and Star Trek. Critics around the country immediately began raving about the talented new rapper breaking onto the hip-hop scene, describing it as “Lit like a Bunsen burner.” The album was streamed 400 million times in the first week alone by people from coast to coast and even internationally. One individual even commented “He doesn’t just spit fire. His bars leave you with chemical burns. They’re fluid and hot like a magnesium sulfate – water solution.”

Jurchen has reportedly added it to his Physical Chemistry curriculum as “required listening” for next Fall.

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By Basil

4- 29- 19

WELLER CHAPEL- A routine reading of Psalm 34 during chapel last Wednesday went in a completely new direction after Chaplain Matthias accidentally misspoke the words of the first verse. Rather than chanting “His praise will always be on my lips” as the Psalm is written, he instead read it as “His praise will always be on my hips.”

Upon hearing this, one freshman girl was so inspired by this concept that she formed a brand new Liturgical Dance club on campus so the praise of the Lord truly would be on her hips. “It only seemed natural” said freshman Caitlyn Beekman “that we would praise God with our whole self, including our dances. The dance world is full of morally depraved people moving in all sorts of inappropriate ways. Some Christians just ban dancing altogether – I saw a movie about that once – but this verse from the Psalms just proves to me that we need this club to praise God, just like King David did. We can be a witness with our hips, and as everyone knows, hips don’t lie.” When informed that the Psalm did not, in fact, say “hips” but “lips,” Beekman responded “Oh well. The point still stands…or dances.”

Beekman did the interview during the Liturgical Dancers’ first practice where they learned dances such as the Salvation Samba, the Justification Jive, and Crunking for Christ.

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By Ambrose

4-26-19

JANZOW-Some men just want to watch the world burn. CUNE student Steve Stark was one of those men. The day after the highly anticipated movie “Avengers: Endgame” came out, Stark stood up in Janzow cafeteria during the most crowded time of the day and shouted, “[censored: Endgame spoilers.]” A hush fell over the entire cafeteria. “I don’t feel so good,” said one sickened student before he ran out to barf in the bathroom. “You maniac! How could you?!” yelled a poor girl wearing an “I AM GROOT” beanie. Reaper reporters contacted Marvel super-fan James Rogers to get his thoughts on the issue. “I can’t believe this happened to me,” expressed Rogers. “I went through every precaution to avoid spoilers. I skipped my classes for the last two days so I could isolate myself in my room. I stopped talking to my friends. I DELETED MY FACEBOOK. And then this despicable human comes in here and ruins it for all of us. The last eleven years of my life were leading up to watching this movie, and now it’s ruined. I don’t think I’ll ever recover.” The CUNE administration as well as the LCMS quickly issued a statement condemning the actions of Stark. “You know, this really helped me realize the power of the Gospel,” said CUNE Chaplain Ryan Matthias. “Jesus even forgives THAT sin. Wow. That’s powerful.”

In unrelated news, an angry mob formed outside of Stark’s dorm with torches and pitchforks chanting, “Time for YOUR Endgame!”

In other unrelated news, Stark’s corpse was found later pinned to the wall outside the main entrance of Janzow by a pitchfork.

Police and campus security have no clues regarding motive or suspects.

The Reaper is an independent, student-run news organization.

Have a good idea for an article? Email it to us at cunereaper@gmail.com